I want to be a good listener, but I don’t think I know how.
What should I do?
Believe it or not (and sadly), really listening goes against cultural norms. It might seem obvious, but the first thing to do is to actually respond to what people have said. Very few people do this and so you might not really notice – you’ve probably grown accustomed to it. But when you are in a conversation with someone who actually does respond to what you have said, the difference is stark. It really stands out. It is vastly different than regular conversations.
Take a look at the following conversation sample:
Rachel: Hey, Gwen – it’s great to see you! How are you today?
Gwen: I’m doing great, how are you?
Rachel: Well, I’ve been better.
Gwen: Yeah, well it’s great to see you – I just got a promotion at work! I’m so excited!
Rachel: Oh, congratulations.
Gwen: Hope to see you around soon! Bye!
Rachel: Oh, ok. See ya.
Do you see what happened here? This conversation was one-sided and superficial. Look at how this might have gone had Gwen been listening and actually responding to what Rachel said.
Rachel: Hey, Gwen – it’s great to see you! How are you today?
Gwen: I’m doing great, how are you?
Rachel: Well, I’ve been better.
Gwen: Yeah, well it’s great to see you – I just got a promotion at work! I’m so excited! Oh, what’s wrong?
Rachel: I just got a speeding ticket and it really shook me up. I’ve never gotten one before.
Rachel: It really was, but it’s ok now. Thanks for listening. So what’s new with you? No speeding tickets, I hope. (Laughing)
Gwen: No, thank goodness! In fact, I just got a promotion at work, so I’m feeling really good.
Rachel: Oh, that’s fantastic, Gwen! Congratulations! I know how hard you’ve worked for that.
Gwen: Hope to see you around soon! Bye! I’m so sorry, but I have to run to an appointment now and I don’t want to speed! I hope your day gets better. Let’s get together soon!
Rachel: I would love that! Maybe we can celebrate your promotion! Oh, ok. See ya.
Notice how different this conversation is. Because both Rachel and Gwen are really hearing each other and responding to the actual conversation, rather than just saying things that were on the top of their minds, both women feel heard and there is a connection there.
In general, when we chat with someone, we can feel like the conversation is just a series of each of us talking at each other rather than feeling like we are talking with each other.
Here is another fictionalized dinner conversation with some coworkers:
Steve: Well, another successful day of training!
Aaron: I really enjoyed the lunch today.
Mary: My feet hurt from all the standing.
Steve: I’m looking forward to a great big steak – I’m starving.
Mary: Ouch, I wonder if I’m going to be able to wear these shoes all day tomorrow.
Aaron: I just hope that tomorrow they will cater sandwiches without mayo – I hate mayo.
Steve: Oh my gosh, do you see those salads? They look amazing!
And the conversation might go on like this for the entirety of dinner. But is anybody actually hearing anybody? We are all so used to this type of banter that requires no actual listening. But what if we replayed this conversation with just a bit of actual listening thrown in, it sounds very different:
Steve: Well, another successful day of training!
Aaron: I really enjoyed the lunch today. How successful do you think that was, Steve, on a scale of 1-10?
Steve: Well, probably a 7. Mary, I noticed your energy waned a little at the end of the day – are you alright?
Mary: You thought it was a 7? I’d even say an 8! But yes, my feet really started to hurt from all the standing. I hope it wasn’t too distracting.
Steve: No, not at all – I could tell because we work together a lot, but I doubt anybody else could tell. Aaron, how would you rate this training? I’m looking forward to a great big steak – I’m starving.
Aaron: You guys said 7 and 8, but I was noticed a few people not paying any attention in the back, so I would have said a 6. Maybe we can compare notes on how we can improve things for tomorrow. Mary, do you have more comfortable shoes you can wear? If not, maybe you can take some breaks and sit down a bit more.
Mary: Haha, I actually do have different shoes and I’ll plan on wearing them tomorrow. Ouch, I wonder if I’m going to be able to wear these shoes all day tomorrow.
Steve: Don’t underestimate the importance of comfort for a great training! So, Aaron, how do you think we can engage those in the back of the room differently?
Aaron: I just hope that tomorrow they will cater sandwiches without mayo – I hate mayo.
Steve: Oh my gosh, do you see those salads? They look amazing!
Not only was this dinner conversation more substantive, but it was apparent that the people at the table were actually engaged with each other – hearing each other and responding to each other.
So, in a nutshell, start small by acknowledging that you can improve. Then pick a conversation – even the very first one you have after reading this – and give it a shot! This is something that requires practice and redirecting yourself. Challenge yourself to try it for at least 2 or 3 conversations per day – more is even better! You might even start a notebook where you can track when you have changed the course of a conversation even slightly by actually responding to the words spoken.
You might find that you don’t get to tell people all the things you think you need or want to tell them. That’s ok because you are finally out there listening.
Enjoy the process and remember that you won’t be perfect at it. As long as you’re listening and responding, don’t worry too much about whether you are getting it right – there are infinite ways to get it right. The important thing is to listen and respond.
