Question: I’m sitting at a restaurant and the person I’m with isn’t talking to me – they are on their phone/reading the paper/etc.
What should I do?
This is all-too common today, in this world full of personal devices. But it’s not a new concept. This happened to me more than 30 years ago, in the days before cell phones or computers. I was at a restaurant – a young 19 year-old “woman” – awkward, shy, nervous. I had no idea how to interact. In fact, I was just learning how to interact by reading the book How to Win Friends and Influence People but the thing that I depended on is them actually wanting to interact with me.
I was there for a research experiment, hence the reason I was sitting with a relative stranger. We all went to breakfast at the same cafe in Hilo, Hawaii and shared tables, if not conversation. That morning, this man had no interest in my presence there. He never once looked up from his paper. Not one time.
What did I do? Well, I panicked, found my calling card (which you needed in those days to make long distance calls from pay phones), ran to a phone and called my mother in Delaware. I asked her what to do, and while I don’t remember what she said, it was likely along the lines of Just eat your breakfast and then go.
Not a bad suggestion, honestly. Did I do that? Yes.
But if I were giving advice to my 19-year-old now, what would I say? What if it wasn’t a relative stranger who wouldn’t talk to me – what if it was a friend that wouldn’t get off their phone?
Well, I suppose the answer might still be the same. I suppose that I might also suggest something along the lines of Just eat your breakfast and then go. Because what else can you do? You certainly can’t force the other person to want to interact, especially if you don’t know them well and they are in something of a position of authority over you, as that professor was that day in the Hilo cafe.
But if you are with a friend and they aren’t talking because they are engrossed in their phone, there are other options. Of course, you get to choose what you do, as usual. But what are just a few of the myriad choices you could make in such a situation?
Choice #1: You could snatch the phone (or paper) out of their hands, tossing it aside, saying, Talk to me, you loser!
Choice #2: You could decide to get on your own phone, thinking (but not saying), Screw you, loser! You could then opt out of the friendship by not returning their calls.
Choice #3: You could make remarks, funny jokes, observations to try to draw their attention out. You become determined to wow them with your interest and even your intellect. You will prove to them that you are worthy!
Choice #4: You could say Hey, can we talk for a minute? Once you have their attention, which admittedly might be tough, you could start making idle small talk or chat about superficial topics. When they inevitably return to their phone, you might become angry or sullen, either fuming or pouting.
Choice #5: You could say Hey, can we talk for a minute? Once you have their attention, which admittedly might be tough, you could say I noticed that you have been on your phone even while we are sitting with each other at the table. It’s really important to me to really connect with people. Are you interested in a real connection? Then you wait and see what they have to say.
It’s probably obvious that my suggestion would be Choice #5. The majority of people will be quite unprepared for this type of directness and while there are any number of ways they might react (and your job is always to stay open to what actually happens), they are likely to initially react out of their surprise of being addressed so directly. Let’s imagine that the might have one of the following responses:
Response #1: Well, you’re always on your phone too – stop being hypocritical. Last week you were on your phone the whole time we were driving to the restaurant.
Response #2: Oh my God, you are so rude. Who died and made you king for the day? Who do you think you are – my mom?
Response #3: I wasn’t on my phone for that long. Geesh – I was just checking my emails for work. Calm down.
The responses could go on and on. However they initially respond, I encourage you to continue to act with integrity and maturity and honesty. Keep in mind that you are looking for connection, not to make them feel stupid or shame them. So, you might say, Look, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable – I really am looking forward to talking with you today and it hurts me when you are so distracted that we can’t connect.
This conversation could go any number of ways. And as long as you stay mature, act with integrity and stay honest (in other words, act in a way such that you can be proud of your choices no matter what), let the conversation go where it goes. It may end great or it might end up in a terrible spot. More than likely, it will end up somewhere in the middle – a 5-7 on the greatness scale. And that’s ok.
Anti-Hypocrisy Reminder
While you cannot control another’s actions or word choices or reactions, you are always in control of your own. Use this experience as a reminder that people might experience you as disconnected or rude when you are scrolling on your phone rather than engaging with them.
If you do have to respond to a text message or answer a quick email (first consider if you really need to do that in this very moment), let them know what you are doing and that you will be done promptly. Anytime I need to consult my phone for any reason (check the weather, look up a fact, anything), I will let the person know what I’m doing and assure them that I am still engaged in interacting with them.
I do recognize that we are in a digital age, and people are often comfortable sitting with each other scrolling through videos. Regardless, challenge these societal norms, by asking if you can change things up and actually interact. You might be surprised what you find.
