Question: I feel so conflicted about obeying authority figures, because I haven’t had great role models in my life. Now that I am in a management position, I’m not sure how to handle things.
What should I do?
Short Response:
In every situation it’s important to become a little more level-blind. Don’t let others’ authority go to your head and don’t let your authority go to your head either. Focus equally on both being respectable and respectful.
Longer Response:
This reminds me of a text I received from my 73-year-old mother a few years ago.
“You’re not the boss of me.”
It sounds like words from my toddler, perhaps. Right? Nope, this is the text I received from my mother, when I was a mother myself (three times over). The text stood alone, no explanation, no extra words. “You’re not the boss of me.” Plain and simple.
And it was true. I wasn’t the boss of her.
But the subtext was clear – “How dare you defy me – I’m your mother. I’m the boss of you.” You see, I had made a choice that prioritized myself and my children over her and she didn’t like it. She had learned (and internalized) through her lifetime that respect was hierarchical. That those at the top deserved the most respect – no matter what.
In fact, many of us are conditioned to believe that disobedience is tantamount to being sinful.
Respect your elders.*
Honor thy father and mother.*
Authority deserves respect.*
Each of these can be true, but they all have an asterisk – that asterisk being: *If they have earned that respect as a person.
The bottom line is that it is best to not sacrifice your own self respect in order to respect others.
Self respect first, then respect for others.
Are you someone that respects positional power?
Are you somebody that learned from a young age that respect for others was more important than respect for even yourself?
- Do you fixate on following the rules no matter what?
- Do you apologize for things you aren’t sorry for or maybe even didn’t do?
- Do you feel bad saying no, not being endlessly available or ending a phone call?
If so, you’ve likely internalized the message that respecting others (especially leaders) is more important than respecting yourself.
But let’s rethink that:
- If you don’t feel comfortable speaking up when you’re not treated well, maybe you tend to stay stuck in bad situations.
- If you’re scared to trust your own self, you might even be letting people cross all sorts of boundaries that they shouldn’t – not only emotional but also physical.
- If you’ve internalized that others always know better than you, this can keep you playing small.
If blind obedience was what you learned, you were likely punished for any protest, for anything short of full and complete compliance. In fact, you were trained to see any self expression that didn’t fully comply with the desires of the authority figures around you as an act of extreme defiance.
It’s time to unlearn that.
That wasn’t about you, that was about them.
It’s time to learn to know what you want and need and learn to express yourself.
This can be scary at first, but I challenge you to try speaking up. And then pay attention to the response.
Instead of, “Of course I’ll work through the weekend,” try, “I’m only available from 2-4 on Sunday.”
Instead of, “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your call right away,” try, “I won’t answer calls before 7 am – please text me if you need something earlier than that.”
Instead of “Whatever you say, boss,” try “That doesn’t align with my values – can we have a talk about that?”
Instead of watching your colleagues, siblings or classmates being berated, try standing up for them.
If you’re in turn met with “I’m the boss” energy, take note. You do deserve to have a stance. And you do deserve to have a voice.
Stop internalizing this energy as reflecting anything about you – this energy only reflects on the person it stems from.
Sure, you should always try to have empathy for the fact that people who are coming at you with this “You’re not the boss of me” energy are likely hurt or insecure or otherwise trying to prove their importance.
Remind yourself to have empathy and then create some distance if the negative energy persists. You always get to choose.
Example #1:
Boss: I’ll need you to work over the weekend to finish this project.
You (with respect for others over respect for yourself): Yes sir (then calling home to let your daughter know you won’t be able to host her birthday party this weekend, as planned).
You (with respect for yourself over respect for others): I understand the importance of this project, and my daughter’s birthday is Saturday. I will work on Sunday for a few hours and also communicate with the client to talk about what options we have for an extension.
Example #2:
Parent: Come upstairs right now and help me with the dishes.
You (with respect for others over respect for self): Yes sir.
You (with respect for self over respect for others): I can’t come right this minute – I’d like to finish what I’m doing – can you leave some for me and I’ll do them in an hour?
Are you somebody that demands positional power?
So are you a person who values that type of obedience? Obedience with no questions asked? When someone talks back to you (especially someone you perceive to be at a lower level than you), do you feel angry? When someone doesn’t jump when you call for them, do you see that as a sign of disrespect? When someone asks you a question, do you view that as challenging your authority?
If so, you have probably fallen into the trap of believing that leading means ensuring that those around you blindly obey you. Full compliance is your goal, and anything short of that is punished.
I won’t argue with the fact that being blindly obeyed is easier. It makes us feel powerful and in charge.
But stop for a minute to consider – what is your goal? If you’re a parent, aren’t you supposed to be teaching your children to be independent and confident adults? If you’re a teacher, isn’t your goal to teach your students how to think so that they can move forward and use not only their knowledge but their problem solving skills in their lives? If you are the boss in any capacity, aren’t you charged with creating a vision and then leading a team of people to achieve said vision?
The goal was never about you to begin with. Leading is about empowering those around you.
Leading is about helping those around you to trust in themselves. Incentivizing them to blindly obey doesn’t achieve that.
Leading is about inspiring those around you to be the best version of themselves. Demanding that they do what you say will stomp out their inner brilliance.
Not only is full compliance not the measure of a good leader, there is actually an inverse correlation between the two. The more blind obedience you demand, the worse of a leader you actually are.
Why?
As parents, our goal to raise independent and confident adults is contradicted by demanding blind obedience.
As teachers, our goal of teaching our students how to think is contradicted by demanding blind obedience.
As bosses or managers, our ability to achieve (and hopefully surpass) the company’s vision is hampered by demanding blind obedience. New ideas are discouraged, innovation is blocked and synergy is nowhere to be found.
Keep in mind the true goals.
True leadership is encouraging, rather than dictatorial.
True leadership is being open and listening, rather than demanding.
Instead of, “Stay in your lane,” try, “I value your input, what do you have to say?”
Instead of, “I only speak to those at my level,” try, “You want to talk? Let’s sit down together.”
Instead of “Because I said so,” try “Let me explain what I’m thinking then I want to hear you out also.”
Instead of “You’re not the boss of me,” try “Tell me more. I care what you have to say.”
You don’t need to come across as big and powerful and loud to be powerful. True power comes from empowering those around you.
In closing
Once I became a single mom, it was hard raising my children, and I loved having my kids help me out – both physically and by being agreeable. But, I started to notice my middle daughter’s propensity to agree with me no matter what.
One day, I asked her to take her younger sister to the bathroom in a restaurant. She looked at me and said she didn’t want to. While it would have been easier for me if she had just done it, I congratulated her for saying no. And I got up and took my 5-year-old to the bathroom.
As hard as it was to choose the harder path, I continued mentoring her in this way, encouraging her to speak up when she thought something wasn’t right – whether it was with me or with other authority figures.
This turned out to be an excellent choice.
Don’t be a person who is afraid to fully express themselves and likewise, don’t be a person that is afraid to have those around you fully express themselves.
Don’t be controlled by big displays of false and exaggerated importance and don’t try to control others by putting on big displays of false and exaggerated importance.
Instead, be yourself, listen and stay curious. Know that we all have something valuable to offer, regardless of age, position, rank or title.
Open yourself up to the incredible transformative potential of equality.
Open yourself up to unexpected synergy.
Open yourself up to our shared humanity.
There is no need to say, “You’re not the boss of me.”
We are all people, sharing the same experience of humanity. And we can all learn from each other if only we stay open to doing so. Focus on being both respectable and respectful – the rest will fall into place.
