I’ve been trying so hard to grow and become a better person but people are still not treating me well. Honestly, I do think I’m becoming a better person, but I’m not sure what it’s gaining me. I’m so frustrated. I’m getting ready to give up.
What should I do?
You should be very proud of trying so hard to become a better person. If everybody tried to do this, then our world would absolutely be a much better place.
So now that I’ve said that, I’m curious what it is you’re trying to do, meaning what exactly do you mean when you say you’re trying to become a better person? Because it can be such a vague concept, can’t it?
The key is in how you define becoming a better person. In fact, this is critical. Because you say you’re getting frustrated, I’m going to guess that either you are focusing too heavily on outcomes (what do you expect to gain when you have become a “better person” or who are you attempting to save a relationship with in so doing?) or you have swung too far in the other direction (focusing on being good to others over being good to yourself).
Let me explain by way of my life as an example.
I myself have spent much of my life actively trying to do what it sounds like you’re trying to do. In fact, for decades now, I’ve made working on becoming a better person part of my identity, part of my soul, my primary hobby, my raison d’être, my focus, one of the biggest parts of my life. When I first started (very specifically at the age of 19), my instinct and yearning to become a better person was heavily interrelated with my instinct and yearning to become more likable. (Notice the heavy fixation on outcome.) There was an event that spurred me into wanting this, but that is a story for another time. For now, just know that I set out on a mission to become nicer.
I did all sorts of things to achieve this goal. I read a ton of books, from How to Win Friends and Influence People to How to Keep People from Pushing Your Buttons to The Dance of Anger to The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and on and on and on. I also watched others, sought out role models, people who seemed imperturbable and even-keeled, despite difficult situations, despite being rebuked by those around them. And I tried to become more like them. The people I tended to try to emulate were people who had been wronged, either by other people or just by fate itself. This included people with terminal illnesses, those who had been wrongly accused of and convicted of crimes, those who had been outcast from society or families or peer groups, political exiles, victims of violent crimes, even simply people who called into the Dr. Laura show and were soundly scolded for one life choice or another and aspiring singers who decided to audition for American Idol and suffered at the tongue of Simon Cowell.
All of these people became inadvertent role models for me – especially those that didn’t fight back, but accepted their fate without complaint. This list contained both fictional and non-fictional characters alike, including but absolutely not limited to: Jesus, Jean Valjean, Nelson Mandela, Viktor Frankl, Mahatma Gandhi, Joseph from the book of Genesis, Job, the Whos, Bob Cratchit, Beth March, and Carol Bird. I longed to have a gentle spirit, a quiet strength like they did.
While listening to the Dr. Laura radio show, paying close attention to how many of the callers-in responded without anger or defensiveness when she verbally berated them, I learned some hard-core, no-nonsense values. While reading biographies and listening over and over again to the music of Les Miserables, studying the lyrics, trying to understand new concepts, I learned about forgiveness. During this time, I prayed fervently to be transformed into the type of ultimately selfless (if not long-suffering) person that others would want to also read about.
While I can say with absolute certainty that I did not become just like any of these people, I can say with equal certainty that I did become a “better” person. Over about a 25-year timespan, I taught myself to listen to people, to resist the urge to judge, to give others the benefit of the doubt, to lean in when you feel like leaning out, to stay curious when people treat you badly (they have their own hurts also) or when you simply disagree with them (all sides deserve to be heard), to apologize for your part in any argument, to keep an open mind, to forgive easily, etc. This list goes on and on.
And these are excellent learnings.
Looking back at the me of then through the eyes of the me of today, I see that I was TRYING SO HARD to be “perfect.” I truly thought and believed deep in my heart that if I could master all of these things then everybody would have no choice but to love me. After all, I fully believed, from the depths of my soul, that there was a direct correlation between being virtuous and being loved.
Did I become perfectly virtuous? Ummm, a resounding no to that. I think the people that have known me would eagerly attest to the fact that I did not become a saint. But my attempts to master all of these things did ultimately pay off in some senses.
The thing that I didn’t account for it that it turns out that it isn’t quite possible to become exceedingly perfect while doing your level best to ignore or suppress your true nature. It isn’t quite possible to become a remarkable person while you are still beating yourself up.
So, while I did (objectively, at least by my standards) become a better person, I was also simultaneously and unbeknownst to me shrinking into a very small, twisted, unrecognizable version of myself or of my potential self. All because I wanted to be liked. To me, my logic seemed solid – if you are laid back, forgiving, accepting of others’ flaws, apologetic – then you will be irresistible. Well, let me be the one to tell you that it doesn’t work that way.
The plot twist ended up being that it is equally important that you take care of yourself in the process. While you are loving others, you need to love yourself first.
I do absolutely believe that the world would be a better place if everybody learned how to be a better person, so please don’t misunderstand what I am seeing. Everybody should learn to listen more, judge less, stay curious, apologize more freely, forgive more easily, etc. THESE ARE IMPORTANT LESSONS! They just aren’t enough, they aren’t the end of the story.
It turns out that you need to integrate these things into the fabric of who you are, what makes you uniquely you. It turns out that you need to love yourself first and then pull these characteristics in (or uncover them where they already reside in you). Rather than unsuccessfully attempting to morph yourself into some Mother Theresa-like character and growing frustrated at your lack of success, you can learn and adopt some kinder characteristics without sacrificing yourself – either through self hatred and beating yourself up or by believing that part of the package is enduring bad treatment from people around you who haven’t yet set out on this same mission to become better people.
So while I was learning a lot during those years through reading, observing, studying, practicing, I was also inadvertently teaching myself that I didn’t matter as much as those around me. While I was successfully teaching myself that values matter (they do!) and understanding others matters (it’s true!), I was starting to matter less and less to my own self. After all, I didn’t want to be selfish (gasp!) – that wouldn’t be virtuous! So I tried to teach myself to lay down my needs, my wants for the people around me.
I honestly believed that if I became better they would too. And that is not the way that it works. Surprise, surprise – it backfired. Because when I grew disappointed with people, my reactions could be big.
When I would try to treat people well and they would treat me in ways that didn’t feel good or right to me, I would desperately try to teach them what I had learned or try to convince them that they should do this or that. I would try to convince them that I was a good person, despite what they clearly chose to see in me. Sometimes when they would rage (with the silent treatment or with words), I would (impatiently and often with my own rage) wait them out and when they decided they were finally ready to return (after hours or sometimes years) into my orbit without so much as a discussion, I would, happily and with much relief, reunite with them, glad that the storm had passed. (I was a good person, after all!)
While this might sound (to some) like a good thing, the reality is that it is only a good thing maybe once or twice. Once it becomes the pattern of behavior in your life, not only are you no longer taking care of yourself, but you are teaching others that it’s okay to treat you however they would like to treat you. It is holding those around you to no standard at all. It is having absolutely no regard for yourself and your needs.
I had countless encounters with people that could have been (should have been?) deal breakers but I was “forgiving”, so I kept going back, no questions asked.
Was I forgiving? Absolutely, at least by my definition of the word at the time. Forgive and forget. Push through. Don’t retaliate, don’t hold a grudge. Check, check, check, check.
And I was miserable.
Had becoming forgiving and non-retaliatory and learning to push through and understand others gotten me the connection, the love and the acceptance I had been seeking? No. Hell no. Most of all, the connection with my own sense of self, my own sense of loving myself was practically obliterated.
You see, I had made the decision that I needed connection with these specific people that were in my life, some since birth and some since a very young age, and I was determined to get it, regardless of anything.
But I was frustrated. (Sound familiar?)
So what was the answer? Should I just ditch being a good person? It didn’t seem to be working (sound familiar?). So was the answer to start retaliating? I really couldn’t do that – I had been practicing for so long, and I really had become a new version of myself. I loved these new principles and values. I had no desire to go back to being defensive and retaliatory and perpetually angry, assuming the worst of those around me.
Was the answer to stop forgiving? No, but possibly, or at least to stop forgiving without discernment.
Or was the answer to just keep pushing through, virtuously enduring? I simply couldn’t anymore.
It, very painfully and very slowly, dawned on me that it was time to shift my focus from becoming a better person to taking good care of myself (while being the better person I had already become). I no longer believed that being a good person would magically get me the love that I thought I needed so desperately. Because I no longer believed this, I could finally stop trying to convince those around me of my goodness – my goodness wasn’t gaining me any traction anyway. I was drowning. In fact, I was almost completely underwater.
I had to choose to save my own life. The striving to become a better person, in retrospect, was partially an attempt to endure being treated badly by others. Rather than learning to recognize my basic lovability and innate goodness, I had been trying to become better in order to earn an ever-elusive love and sense of belonging from the people that I had in my life. It simply wasn’t working at all. Rather than loving myself and choosing to surround myself with like-minded people, I had decided to focus on this specific set of people, no matter the cost.
The irony was that as I became “better,” I was teaching myself to endure more and more mistreatment. No matter what they did, I kept showing up, pushing through, determined to be good, determined to act with integrity even when those around me did not.
Looking back, my logic fell apart right around the place where I expected others to also want to listen more, stay curious, forgive easily, apologize for their part, etc. After all, everybody is on their own journey and they are where they are.
When I was a teenager, and I became frustrated with my friends, my mother told me that I expected too much from my friends, that it wasn’t right or fair of me to expect them to act toward me the way I acted toward them, to expect them to treat me as well as I treated them. And so I stayed friends with people that, in retrospect, probably weren’t really my friends at all. Over the years, I would take it upon myself to endure lopsided friendships and relationships, always blaming myself when things didn’t work out.
Now I can see how right my mother was. I couldn’t expect others to treat me as well as I treated them. This type of expectation will crush you.
But the missing end piece of that advice was this: but if they don’t treat you as well as you treat them, feel free to move on and find friends/people who do treat you well, because you deserve to be treated well.
You deserve to treat yourself well also.
It would take me many painful years (decades) to begin to pull myself out of the quicksand that I had gotten myself into by lowering my expectations while simultaneously trying to become a better and better person, never quite succeeding perfectly at either.
Much like a recipe that is missing its zing, that one crucial ingredient, there was always something missing – maybe just one thing, but it turned out to be the one thing that made all the difference.
So, if I were to do it all over again, I would do the same thing as before: I would teach myself to listen to people, not judge, give others the benefit of the doubt, lean in when you feel like leaning out, stay curious when people treat you badly, forgive easily no matter what, etc. None of that would change.
But if I had to do it over again, I would do it all with the foundational knowing that I deserve to be treated well too. I would know that it’s ok to hold out for people who also choose to listen, who also refrain from judgement, who also give me the benefit of the doubt, who choose to lean in, who stay curious and forgive easily.
Offering these beautiful things to others and to yourself and knowing that you deserve to hold out for those who choose to do the same, that is a magical combination.
And when you inevitably find yourself in company with people who cannot offer these things reciprocally to you? Well, move on. You can move on with kindness and without judgment and with forgiveness and without retaliation and even with listening. But you can still move on.
The difference between becoming a better person the way I did it and becoming a better person while also remaining authentic and kind to yourself.
Becoming a better person the way that I did it:
Your sister asks you if it’s ok if she brings a (very, very) new (much older) boyfriend to a vacation that the two of you have already planned together. Because she is suggesting that he will sleep on the living room couch of your condo and you know that there will be 5 children aged 10 and under in the condo, you apologize and tell her that you don’t feel comfortable, asking if he would be able to stay at a nearby hotel instead. (Note: this is part of your growth – setting clear boundaries through kind but clear communication. Yay you!) She becomes outrageously mad and screams at you, calling you names, and attacking your character. She then refuses to speak to you for the next year. You do go on the vacation and the boyfriend doesn’t stay in your shared condo (success!), but neither does she, leaving you to take care of both your kids and hers. Her punitive silence persists, only (ironically) ending after her relationship with that same man (who turned out to be extremely physically abusive) lands her in jail. At this time, she calls you, pretending like none of it ever happened. She doesn’t mention the yelling, the silence, the character attacks, the leaving her young children in your care without asking. Because you are forgiving and because she is your sister, you comply and pick up where you left off.
Becoming a better person while also remaining authentic and kind to yourself:
Your sister asks you if it’s ok if she brings a (very) new boyfriend to a vacation that you two of you have already planned together. Because she is suggesting that he will sleep on the living room couch of your condo and there will be 5 children aged 10 and under in the condo, you apologize and tell her that you don’t feel comfortable, asking if he would be able to stay at a nearby hotel instead. (Note: this is part of your growth – setting clear boundaries through kind but clear communication. Yay you!) She becomes outrageously mad and screams at you, calling you names, and attacking your character. She then refuses to speak to you for the next year. You do not go on the vacation, choosing to cancel even if you lose money in the process. Your peace of mind is more important than the money. and the boyfriend doesn’t stay in your shared condo (success!), but neither does she, leaving you to take care of both your kids and hers. Her punitive silence persists, only (ironically) ending after her relationship with that same man (who turned out to be extremely physically abusive) lands her in jail. At this time, she calls you, pretending like none of it ever happened. She doesn’t mention the yelling, the silence, the character attacks, the leaving her young children in your care without asking. Because you value yourself first and foremost, are forgiving and even though she is your sister, you politely tell her that you aren’t interested in a relationship with her unless she is will to discuss what happened and be open to apologizing for the things she both said and did comply and pick up where you left off.
I am certain that my life would have looked vastly different had I added this to my list of ways to become a better person all those years ago. I am a slow learner. So while I am very grateful for so many things in my life, and I do not wish that I could go back and redo it all, my mission in this lifetime is to now turn around and spread the word to others who might not otherwise know that you can simultaneously become a better person and surround yourself with people wanting to do the same. You get to treat yourself well and you get to choose who you surround yourself with. Because you deserve good things.
Truth be told, I still love reading books about people who have suffered hardship and endured. I still love hearing stories of heroes who have gone through persecution and have remained loving and kind and good. I no longer fixate on becoming like them because I now know that I am me and I am good the way I am, flaws and all. I will continue to take care of myself as I continue to teach others how to be good people. And I hope you can do the same.
