I’m so tired of following all the rules, trying to do all the right things. I just want to be happy.
What should I do?
First of all, don’t let anybody tell you what you can and cannot do. Stop following all of the rules, or even trying to follow all of the rules. Who’s coming up with these rules anyway? Take all of these would-be rulemakers off their pedestals. They aren’t you. They get to decide what they do, not what you do.
Only you know what is best for you.
I have been living my life for other people for most of my life. And it is exhausting. Because when you live your life for other people, then when they aren’t satisfied with what you’re doing, you might find yourself revolting: YOU MEAN I’VE BEEN LIVING MY LIFE FOR YOU AND YOU’RE STILL NOT HAPPY? WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
And that’s not ok – that’s too much pressure to put on other people who never actually asked you to live your life for them to begin with.
It’s so important to not live your life for your parents and not to live your life for your kids and not live your life for your Aunt Betty or your friend Richard or any other person at all.
Just live your life.
Now, that might sound easier to do than it actually is because so much of the time we don’t know how to know what we even want. And the truth is that we do have duties, real duties, things that cannot be shirked or ignored. We do need to take care of our kids and, oh, by the way, we also need to not pass on intergenerational trauma as much as possible by ignoring these people that we chose to bring into this world. Even if we didn’t choose to get pregnant, we still are responsible for having brought these people into the world. So we do now need to care for them. Therefore I am NOT telling you to abandon these kids that you had in search of yourself.
I know this sounds like I’m contradicting myself and maybe I am a little bit – in fact, I probably am. Because the world is full of contradictions, and nothing is simple. But if you can’t or don’t keep coming back to yourself and what you really need in order to feel like a whole person in this world, then your life will feel unlivable, you might even sink into a depression.
So be relentless in carving a life out for yourself – amidst the responsibilities (and joys!) of parenting, you still need to nurture you, just like your kids will need to nurture future versions of themselves. And if your kids are adults, as mine very nearly are, then it’s time to really kick into high gear and find what it is you want to do. Maybe you want to go on more road trips, or maybe you want to travel to a different continent. Perhaps you’re more inclined to stay home and grow one hell of a garden. Or maybe you want to build fine furniture in your garage. The key is to figure out what it is you actually want.
And, by the way, this is also what makes marriage so hard. This person that you picked so long ago (or maybe not so long ago), well, they need to figure this out for themselves too. But if you are intending to stay partnered and do the rest of your life (post-kids) together, which I’m assuming you are, you are going to have to be able to communicate and figure out what it is you each need or want and then how you can each find fulfillment separately even as you stay together. If one of you wants to travel the world and the other wants to find contentment in creating miniatures for a handmade ornate dollhouse in their craft room, there will be some discussing to do. But you can do it.
(If you haven’t yet picked a partner, this is something to remember WAY BACK when you are picking a partner – a partner is not just somebody that you can have fun with. A partner is actually somebody that you will be living the rest of your life with! I know this is obvious, but it is true and often overlooked.)
So if, like me, you find yourself in the last half of your life (although, let’s be honest, we are almost never aware when we actually enter the last half of our lives – all we do know is that when we pass 50, we are almost certainly in that last half), and you truly want to live your life doing something that you want to do, you might find yourself in the classic midlife crisis.
Now if you were smart or hyper-well-prepared early on or even just lucky, you’ve been doing what you wanted to do all along, but many of us (my hand is raised here) were too naive or stupid or just plain confused to start out our lives that way. I can honestly say that I have spent my life truly believing that “doing what you love” was the stuff of fairy tales or something only the very wealthy had the luxury of indulging. I certainly didn’t think those of us that had to work for a living could be so fanciful as do what we loved. In fact, I didn’t think that I got to choose at all (which sounds silly to me now because I can see that I was choosing all along). In fact, I think that I thought that I should do the hardest thing I could do and then I didn’t even really do that. I think that I truly believed that if I was enjoying my life then I was screwing it up. I lived by mottos like “Head into the discomfort” and “Pain is growth.” I felt so proud when I was able to push through and endure difficult things.
In fact, I remember in my 40’s telling my then-boyfriend/now-husband that one of the things that I was most proud of in my life was that I was still in relationship with a family that never really liked me all that much. I was SO PROUD that I was able to endure the overt negative messages from them for so long without walking away. Things have (finally) changed and I now see it differently. Now I am proud of having finally chosen my self. Yes, I would have preferred to still have a family, but not at the expense of my very self, which is what I did for so long.
It turns out that one doesn’t have to live their lives enduring extreme discomfort! Sure, sometimes we need to be uncomfortable – to grow, to change, to progress, but these are temporary states along the way to joy. We do get to live our lives in some level of comfort. Because this has been so shocking to me in recent years, you can well imagine that I passed this learning on to my children. BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS TRUE. And I always wanted to teach my children truths. Now I find myself scrambling to unteach this untruth and convey the much more beautiful message that not only do we deserve happiness, but we do have the power to choose it.
Happiness does matter and you do get too choose.
Not only can we look for what brings us joy, but we can choose joy guilt free!
It turns out that life is not a marathon to be run, endured and barely survived. We don’t have to find ourselves crawling across the finish line, barely able to move, on the verge of dying of exhaustion.
In fact, life can be more like an enjoyable bike ride around a quaint town or a beautiful lake or a crazy, busy city or through an amusement park or WHATEVER ELSE YOUR HEART DESIRES! Because there are no rules.
It’s true that we can’t control every single thing that happens to us in our lives – bad things will happen. But what we can do is make choices that lead us down paths that contain more flowers than rocks. Sometimes we will inevitably find ourselves on the rocky paths, but if we have pre-loaded our packs with more flowers than rocks, the rocky paths will be a little easier to endure.
So how do you stop following the rules – doing what you think you should be doing? Start by spending some time experimenting with things – no matter how old (or young) you are or where you are in the path of life. Experiment with things until you find the unique things that give you little bursts of joy. Don’t restrict yourself to the things that bring joy to many or most. Don’t do that to yourself.
Everybody loves different things. That’s the crazy thing about being a human – if you follow your heart, and gravitate toward the things that naturally bring you joy, somehow the world naturally rounds itself out. Our natural inclinations create a fairly evenly distributed world. (Think about your average potluck, whether or not you identify as a person who likes potlucks, they sure have a way of ending up well-distributed – some people bring desserts, some bring appetizers, some bring main dishes and suddenly you have a full meal. That’s how our natural interests are too! They make for a full world.) So, therefore, all you really have to do is find your particular flavor of joy.
You might have thoughts like: That’s impossible – nobody could ever like [fill in the blank].
But as a person who LOVES math, let me tell you that many people can’t even dream of a world where they would love math, and yet, I do. It brings me joy. I spend my free time (even as a young girl) doing math workbooks.
And as a person who doesn’t love puppies so much (they nip too much for me), many people can’t dream of a world where they wouldn’t love puppies, and yet I don’t.
Don’t assume that all people love or hate any one thing.
There are all kinds of people and they love all kinds of things.
Believe it or not, there are people who love video games and people who hate video games.
Believe it or not, there are people who love construction and people who hate construction.
Believe it or not, there are people who love big cities and people who hate big cities.
Believe it or not, there are people who love rural farms and people who hate rural farms.
Believe it or not, there are people who love cats and people who hate cats.
Believe it or not, there are people who love pet birds and people who hate pet birds.
Believe it or not, there are people who love tedious data entry and people who hate tedious data entry.
Believe it or not, there are people who love musicals and people who hate musicals.
Believe it or not, there are people who love Star Wars and people who hate Star Wars.
Believe it or not, there are people who love puppies and people who hate puppies.
Believe it or not, there are people who love musicals and people who hate musicals.
Believe it or not, there are people who love teaching and people who hate teaching.
Believe it or not, there are people who love vacations and people who hate vacations.
Believe it or not, there are people who love parties and people who hate parties.
Believe it or not, there are people who love deep research and people who hate deep research.
Believe it or not, there are people who love cooking and people who hate cooking.
Believe it or not, there are people who love cleaning and people who hate cleaning.
And the list goes on. AND for all the people above who love something or don’t love it, there are many, many more that don’t have a strong opinion either way.
So what’s the point? Don’t worry about forcing yourself to do something or love something that brings you no joy at all. It’s ok. I tried to be a person who loved puppies and Star Wars for many years – but that isn’t me. I really tried, I even studied both puppies and Star Wars and tried to curate a love for them where no love existed.
Don’t do that.
There are enough types of people in this world that there will be somebody that will love all these things. Just be the person you are that loves what you love.
If that sounds difficult to you, I get it.
Just start paying attention to how you feel in your body, what makes your heart flutter, what gives you even the tiniest surge of joy in your belly.
Start making a list of your joys.
What music brings a smile to your face?
What colors make you feel good?
What settles you even just a little?
The little things add up – nothing is too small to add to the list.
Don’t tell yourself what should or should not make your heart flutter. Pens and paper and stickers make my heart flutter. I’ve spent years telling myself how silly and childish that was, but it’s not. They make me happy.
Just start paying attention to your unique mosaic of joys.
There is no right and no wrong. (Caveat: As long as your joys don’t hurt others. If your joys involve hurting others in any way, then you should rethink them and even seek help.)
Let yourself feel your joys and they will lead you to your wants and that will lead you to a life that is worth living.
