I’m starting to wonder if what I’ve been believing is actually true. Is it possible I’ve been wrong all along?

What should I do?

I used to be a person who only knew if I was on the right track when people around me agreed with me.  I gained all of my self worth from seeking others’ approval.  I would act and then look around to see what other people thought – and usually it wasn’t just anybody else, but certain key people.  Usually I would focus on the people that didn’t seem to like me.  I started trying to get people who didn’t seem to like me to like me.

That’s an exhausting endeavor.

My self doubt really weighed me down.  But I’m here to tell you that I found a way out of this mess.

Ironically, it started by my doubting myself a little more.  Or rather, I mean that I doubted myself differently.

So instead of thinking, “What did they think of that?  Do they like me? Do they approve?” I started to think, “Why do I care so much what they think of that?  Why do I think they know better than I do?”

So in that way, starting to move toward more self-trust requires you to temporarily deepen the self-doubt so you can question your own thoughts.

Only then can you take a look at the thoughts you’ve built your life on.  These thoughts form the very foundation of your life, affecting everything from how you see yourself to how you interact with those around you. And often we just believe our thoughts blindly!

What if you ask the simple question: is that true? Maybe it’s not so simple.  Maybe it’s not true or untrue, but needs a slight adjustment.

Maybe you’re scared to even start to question these things.  You might be scared that you’ll find out you’ve been wrong all along or you’ll think that then you have to beat yourself up for the years you believed something that wasn’t useful for you. 

But let’s think about it this way.  If you hired an inspector to take a look at a house you were considering buying (which you most certainly would – houses are large investments) and they told you that the foundation itself was crumbling and about to give way, would you ignore the report and proceed with the purchase?  Doubtful.  Would you instead skip the inspection, not wanting to know?  I doubt it.

So why do you think we are so hesitant to even inspect our own foundations – those thoughts that form the basis for our entire lives, arguably a bigger investment than a simple house?  We often resist even doing the inspection at all, wanting to believe that everything is just fine the way it is.  And when we do happen to do the inspection we often choose to ignore what we find in the report, sometimes warning signs of imminent collapse.

Because we are scared.

But I’m here to encourage you to stop ignoring these things.

It’s only once you let yourself question the thoughts that you’ve always taken for granted, that you can start to construct a more stable, more sturdy base of thoughts and beliefs for the rest of your life. 

Maybe you don’t see the value in this – you might find yourself protesting that this will somehow be disloyal to your family or even to yourself.  You have no interest in blaming them anybody for anything. 

That’s ok. This is not about blame.  After all, when you are looking at a house to buy, you aren’t worried about determining exactly who poured that foundation, you only worry how you might go about fixing it so that the house doesn’t crumble to the ground.

If you do decide to start this inspection, though, be cautious.  Consider this: If you hire an inspector to confirm that a certain foundation is strong and sturdy, they are likely to go looking for signs that this is true and might even subconsciously ignore minor cracks starting to form in that foundation.  But if you would have asked that same inspector to confirm that the foundation is starting to crack, he or she will be looking for those cracks and will be more likely to find them, confirming your suspicions.  So, it is important to ask an inspector to take an honest, objective look at the foundation, neither looking for confirmation that it’s stable or confirmation that it’s unstable.  You want an unbiased inspection of that foundation, and similarly you want an unbiased inspection of your thoughts. 

To illustrate the point, the thoughts I found running through my head early on my life were:

• Dress nicely for big events like dates and airplane travel.
• Being sad will make you ugly – avoid sadness at all costs.
• Don’t wear white after Labor Day.
• Dogs are scary and gross.
• People are no damn good so don’t trust them.
• Pretend that everything is fine or you’re a troublemaker.
• Stop complaining.
• Don’t call boys – it’s improper.
• Money is unlimited when you have credit cards.
• Try not to ever talk back to or question authority figures, even the ones who mistreat you.
• Life isn’t meant to be enjoyed, just endure it.
• Never apologize.
• Be polite to everybody all the time.

For good or for bad, this is a smattering of the thoughts that ran through my head as I left my parents’ house and set off on my own.  Sure, some of these things were overtly said in my house, but some of these things weren’t said so much as I just learned to think that way based on my early experiences.  But no matter where they came from, these thoughts greatly impacted how I lived my life.

Only when I started to let myself question any of these thoughts did I start to recognize that I wasn’t actually stuck with these thoughts.  I didn’t have to believe them.

Then one I ended up starting with was “Never apologize.”  Nobody had ever said those words to me.  But nobody ever really apologized to me.  And I found myself in my late teens never wanting to apologize, not even knowing how to apologize.  Until one day I found myself having wronged a stranger and I just knew it was time – that I needed to apologize, so I did.  Not only did I survive it, but it felt good!

One by one, I would end up questioning each thought.  Then I would either shift the thought, keep it or throw it away entirely.  Some were far harder to question than others.

And sometimes I would rebel and end up swinging wildly the other way, believing the opposite extreme.  But over time, I would find that extremes are rarely where the truth lies.  Often the sweet spot is somewhere in the middle. 

So I slowly whittled away at them, until they sounded more like this:

• Dress in what you feel good in nicely for big events like dates and airplane travel.
• Being sad is a normal part of a normal life will make me ugly – avoid sadness at all costs.
• Don’t Wear white whenever you want to after Labor Day.
• Dogs are can be scary and gross, and dogs can be comforting.
• Some people are no damn good so don’t trust them, other people are good.
• Pretend that Not everything is fine and it’s ok to call this out or you’re a troublemaker.
• Stop complaining to people who won’t listen.
• Don’t Call boys if you want to – it’s improper.
• Money is unlimited when you have  – use credit cards sparingly.
• It’s ok to Try not to ever talk back to or question authority figures – they aren’t always right even the ones you mistreat you.
• Life can be isn’t meant to be enjoyed, just endure it some things but try to focus on finding joy.
• Never Apologize when you need to, but not when you don’t.
• Be polite most of to everybody all the time.

Changing my thoughts wasn’t quick and it wasn’t easy.  In fact, it took many years to learn to even give myself permission to do the questioning. 

It’s important to note that as you start to question your thoughts, you will likely be met with resistance, from those that still think the old way is right and even from yourself.  It’s okay, question the thoughts anyway.

Questioning your thoughts is  an act of bravery. 

We all inherit thoughts from those that came before us.  Most of the time, they mean very well by encouraging you to adopt these thoughts – after all, they believed what they needed to believe to stay safe.  Most of the time, they intended to help keep you safe somehow.  So you don’t have to condemn them.  Blaming isn’t useful here. 

But recognize that this is the very definition of how intergenerational trauma gets perpetuated.  By allowing yourself to question these thoughts you are doing your part to break that chain.  Your courage to question what is true and what is not true and open your mind to seeing things differently can help future generations. 

Question any thought you have and keep an open mind for a different way.  And always remember to act with integrity, clarity and confidence, no matter what. 

I am here as proof that this is possible, and the key is to start questioning your thoughts.