I feel so behind in life. I graduated high school during the pandemic and chose to take some time off from school so didn’t start college right away. Instead, I worked and experimented with a bunch of different things and now I am 24 and feel like I’m just getting started.
What should I do?
First off, the pandemic was tough. And knowing what to do after graduation is tough. So knowing what to do after graduation during a pandemic – well, that’s a very tough situation, more than doubly tough. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Now, I know that there are far worse things that people go through, but it’s important to acknowledge how going through this particular thing shifted, if only temporarily, the course of your life. It’s also important to acknowledge that it might not have been all bad in the end.
So here you are at 24, feeling behind in life. I imagine that you might be comparing yourself to other people both older and younger than you. I imagine that you’re telling yourself that you should be in a different situation than you’re actually in.
And yet, here you are.
Because this is where you are, this is where you should be. It’s easy (for everybody, for anybody) to look back and see where they took what they now see as mis-steps. But yet in each moment, we are taking the best step that we can take. It’s easy to look back and criticize our choices, but when we are taking these steps, remember that we are not yet our future selves. And the fact of the matter is that if you had to do it all over again, chances are you’d do the same thing because you were doing what you could, what you knew to do, what you wanted to do, what you needed to do to survive in the moment. So, go easy on yourself.
And now here you stand today. It’s possible that your future self will look back on this version of you and wonder why you didn’t do this or that, but we can tell that future version of you to shut up, because right now, you don’t know what that future version of you knows. All you know is that you are right here, right now.
In that vein, you are, no doubt, a completely different person than you were when you graduated high school 6 years ago. How do I know this? Because every single person on the planet is very different than the person they were 6 years ago. We are all changing all of the time, but those years between 18 and 24 are typically years of especially rapid growth. So no matter what you did over the last 6 years, even if all you did was lounge around on the sofa all day eating gobs of potato chips, you learned, you changed, you grew. And now you might have a stirring to get going and do something different. Don’t let this lead you to believe that you have been sitting idle for 6 years, because you haven’t. Even if you did spend those years on the sofa with your chips, you have grown. (And I don’t think you spent those years lounging on the sofa.)
Maybe you needed a longer break than you now wish you would have needed. I get it. And yet, here you are.
Now you get to decide what happens next.
Maybe you’re spending time lamenting the wasted years. It’s ok to acknowledge that you wish you were in a different situation now, but it’s also important to recognize that you are where you are and no amount of wishing will change that.
Comparing your situation to some made up version of what might have happened had you pursued a different path only serves to keep you stuck right where you are. You will never know how things would have turned out if you had done things differently, made different choices, but this is true for all of us all of the time! Even for the so-called successful people, at least the ones you might be tempted to deem successful, the ones that seemed to know exactly where to go after graduating high school. Believe it or not, they are likely wondering what would have happened had they made different choices too. They might be wondering what would have happened had they chosen to backpack through Europe for a few months or move to a ski town for a year or major in something less practical than business or run off with that high school sweetheart or pursue their passion for art? Yes, everybody has regrets. Why? One reason is that the number of paths is virtually infinite. At any time, though, we are only walking the path we’re walking, so telling yourself that any one of these other paths would have been the right path is fantastical at best and delusional at worst. Simply put, it isn’t helpful.
Also, while I’m at it, comparing yourself with the social media posts or the external stories of anybody at all is not helpful. Sure, some people appear to have it all put together, but very few people actually have it as put together as they would like for you to believe. Many people, even though they appear to be on what you think is the perfect path, are wishing they were doing something different. Some people are just walking through life with their head down and won’t realize until later that they regret some, or even many, of their choices. Others will wander for a long time before even finding a path that looks appealing to them. As much as you possibly can, focus only on yourself and let others have their mistakes (and successes) – you worry about your own because that is plenty to worry about.
Think about it this way, the longer you stay stuck right here on the path, the longer you aren’t moving forward. In fact, I would go so far as to say that not making a choice about what to do next is actually making a choice. It’s a choice that looks like I choose to spend my time regretting my previous choices instead of I choose to look ahead and take the next step in my own life.
And if that’s what you choose to do, then ok, do that. People do this all of the time! But I challenge you to own it. Acknowledge that you are making that choice. It might even help to say it out loud. Try it. I am choosing to spend my time regretting my previous choices. Maybe it’s slightly different than that, but recognize (and state) that you are making whatever choice it is that you are making.
It is important that you try to do this without self-judgment or blame or shaming or any of that. In fact, try to own all of your choices in this same way. Resist the urge to label anything as good or bad. If you chose to take a break from school after high school, due to the pandemic or anything else, then say, I chose to take a break from school after high school. Resist the urge to judge that as bad. It simply is a fact. In fact, it might have been good. But, like everything else in life, it is somewhere on the line between all good and all bad. It is not a 10 or a 1, but rather something in the middle.
If you then chose to lay on the couch and eat chips for a year while binging every episode of Survivor, then own that. Say I chose to eat a bunch of chips on the couch in my pajamas and watch every episode of Survivor. Whatever is true, say that. Say it with as little judgment as possible and no twisting of the facts to make it sound better or even worse.
If you chose to spend your money and time buying and drinking alcoholic beverages to excess, then own that by clearly and openly stating it. Whatever is true for you, state that you chose it.
Anything we choose to hide or deny will become powerful and start to eat at us from the inside out. Until you can cleanly own your choices, it will be difficult for you to progress. Up to this point, you might not even recognize that these were choices you were making. You might have felt that you had no choice. But we always have choices, even when we feel like we don’t.
You might even believe that somebody else is to blame. It’s so tempting to point the finger at other people, life circumstances, even pandemics. And these things are real. And yet we always have a choice. Even in the worst of circumstances, we have choices. Sometimes we can make a very compelling argument for why something actually wasn’t our fault, that we were forced into it by one thing or another. But is that helpful to us?
If you find yourself stuck in a bad situation, even if you can clearly identify who might be to blame for that, this blame won’t help you get out of that situation. And it might actually be somebody or something’s fault! I’m not denying that one bit. It just doesn’t matter in the end. If you need to identify it, then do, but then turn and refocus on what you’re going to do next to fix the situation.
Once you are ready, you will do the next thing.
Once you decide that you are ready for a change and you recognize that not only can you not change the past, but you also recognize that only you have the power to make the next move, that is when you will take the next step.
So the question is are you ready to make a change?
If you’re not yet ready, own that, accept that and state that out loud. And, importantly, recognize that choosing to not take the next step is actually a next step of it’s own.
If you are ready, or feel close to ready, remember that a change doesn’t have to be FINDING THE ANSWER. Don’t get perfectionistic about it. In fact, finding the answer, the right answer, is not the goal. The truth is that your life could go in an infinite number of slightly different (or very different) ways. None of which are completely wrong and none of which are completely right. Everything is somewhere in the middle.
All you need to do right now, all you can do, is choose a direction, take the next step and then pay attention to what happens. And know, you will always be able to change your mind.
Might you end up regretting the next step? Of course. Regrets are largely unavoidable. So don’t waste time trying to avoid regrets. Just get going.
And your next step might not be easy. Ease shouldn’t be the indicator that something is right or wrong. In fact, some of the best things in life require us to overcome obstacles and difficulties along the way. That doesn’t mean they are wrong.
Maybe you’re thinking that you missed your chance. I think this is a pretty common obstacle, but I encourage you to step right past this thought, this obstacle. No matter how old you are, whether you’re 24 or 30 or 45 or 58 or 76 or 93, the truth is that it’s not too late. I know that it’s hard to believe, but as long as you are standing here, you get to make a choice. Think about it this way: an even older version of yourself will always be able to look back at the you of today and see this version of you as incredibly young. This is true no matter how old you are. I remember very clearly being in my early 30’s, thinking about a career change, and feeling OH SO OLD. It’s too late, I thought. I’m too old to change direction now. So, I didn’t. Now, I’m in my 50’s, and I look back at that early-30’s version of myself with a little compassion, more than a little humor, and some regret and frustration. Why couldn’t she see how young she was?! Honestly, what the hell was she thinking? So, standing here today, in my 50’s, as I consider yet another life change, I picture looking back at myself from my 70’s saying Why can’t you see how young you are? And today I am choosing to make that change. So whether you are 24 or 94, I encourage you to push that aside and do whatever is next for you.
So back to your question, you feel like you’re so behind in life and you don’t know what to do.
The short answer is stop looking behind you, stop comparing yourself to others, look ahead of you, pick a direction and take a step. There’s a big world out there and you’ve only just started your exploration.
You aren’t behind. You simply are where you are.
I will end with a story.
Liora walks along a mountain trail. She has no choices to make as she follows her guides. Sometimes her guides go in directions that she doesn’t really understand but still she follows. For a very long time, she follows.
One day, one of her guides veers off onto a path but she does not follow and neither does her other guide.
Soon thereafter, her other guide who has gotten a bit ahead of her on the trail takes a sudden right turn. Liora hesitates, but the guide doesn’t even so much as glance back, so she continues on the path alone.
Then she finds herself at a split in the trail. She knows she must choose – right or left. In a panic, she looks around, looks backwards to see if her guides are there, but she sees nobody. She looks up and around for any signs, any indication of which way she should go. But there are no signs, no map, no trail markers, nobody else to help her make this choice.
She knows nothing about either path so she freezes, feeling overcome by fear.
She sits down, waiting for clarity, or for somebody to come along to guide her, or for…what? She doesn’t know, but she waits. She waits and waits for a very long time. And nobody shows up.
After much time has passed, she is no more clear than she was when she first arrived at this juncture, but she knows she must pick. She starts down the right path, only to scurry back to the start of the trail. Then she starts down the left trail, but only makes it a few feet, before she runs back to the beginning.
She is crippled with uncertainty.
How will she pick? She doesn’t know. But she knows she can’t stay here anymore.
So she chooses. She will go to the right.
At first, the right path is fine, maybe even beautiful. There are flowers and woodland creatures peek out at her from the foliage. It is bright and welcoming. But as the path continues, it grows rockier, steeper, more difficult. She keeps going, but slows her pace. During a particularly difficult part of the trail where she is climbing and breathing heavy, exhausted from her steps, she starts to wonder if she made the right choice. Should she have gone left?
She can’t seem to shake that thought and her walking slows even more. She finds herself imagining what the left path might have been like. When she pictures it, she sees a smooth, rockless trail with no steep inclines. Rather she imagines beautiful wildflowers and friendly creatures walking alongside her. She tells herself the views would have been amazing on that left-hand path.
This dreamy left-hand path fills her thoughts. It is beautiful….and invented.
The truth is she hasn’t been on that other path.
She doesn’t know if the path is even steeper, or perhaps darker. It might be covered with fallen trees or be even more difficult to navigate than the trail she’s on, the trail she chose, the right trail. Maybe that other trail even ends.
By now, she’s far enough along that turning back isn’t really an option anyway. Not because she can’t, but because something in her knows that retracing every step just to stand at the same fork again won’t give her what she’s looking for. It would only give her a different version of the same uncertainty.
So she keeps going.
Eventually the path grows smoother and more even and she finds herself in a field of colorful wildflowers. The path leads to an overlook where she can now see what she couldn’t see before. The mountain is covered with trails. Paths twisting, intersecting, interacting.
She acknowledges that this path has been challenging at times, but she has also loved it at times. She continues on, hopeful to see where she might end up, excited to see which paths will intersect with the one she’s on, the right path.
She had hoped the path from here on out would stay smooth and easy, but it didn’t. During one particularly challenging stretch, the path grows muddy and steep. When she steps, it feels like her feet are sticking to the ground. Each step takes so much effort. Each lift of her foot is more difficult than the last. Her pace is incredibly slow and she stops. She screams and cries with frustration, angry with the rain that must have passed through earlier to create such thick and heavy mud. Again, she questions her choice and she stops her progress, too angry and resentful to continue.
For a long while, she stands there, wishing, regretting and fretting. She thinks about that dreamy left-hand trail and longs to be on it. There she knows there would be no mud, only beauty. In her dreams, she imagines no hardships, only ease. But she suddenly understands that no amount of wishing for the other path will move her forward now. Yes, the trail is muddy. But she is still on it.
She feels a shift then. Not on the trail and not in the mud. But inside her.
She will continue.
She looks around and with a deep sigh, she takes a step, accepting the mess of the mud and knowing she will get through it.
She is right here, right now and so she must do what is necessary and helpful right now.
She takes another step.
When her mind starts to drift to imagining the perfect left trail, she reminds herself to move.
She takes another step.
She acknowledges that she doesn’t actually know what that other path would have been like.
She takes another step.
She finds herself again cursing the rain, and remembers that it isn’t helpful to curse the rain. The rain fell and now here she is in the mud that was left behind.
She takes another step.
It’s not easy and it’s certainly not graceful, but she’s moving.
Slowly and steadily, she makes her way through the mud.
Before long, she finds herself on another beautiful section of the trail. When she stops to sit on a log overlooking a beautiful view of the valley below, a chipmunk scurries up and pauses next to her. She feels content. Maybe the right path was ok after all.
She doesn’t know what she missed by not taking the left trail, but she now can feel grateful for having taken this, the right path.
Before long, she finds herself faced with another fork in the trail, but this time there are many choices. Another choice, another chance.
She hesitates, but this time she doesn’t hesitate quite as long. She takes a deep breath and takes a step along one of the paths. Now that she knows that all of the paths end up intersecting and weaving around the mountain, she feels a bit less concerned about each choice, more certain that she will find the beauty on whatever path she takes. She feels more confident that she end up where she needs to be. She knows that there will likely be difficulties on any path she chooses, and she knows she will navigate them, whether she likes it or not.
All she can do is keep walking, keep learning and keep choosing again and again when the forks appear.
Because they will.
They always do.
And when she arrives at the next one, yes, she will hesitate. She might still wonder. But maybe, just maybe, she’ll trust something new – Not that she’ll choose perfectly, but that whichever path she takes, she will find her way forward.
