People often say hurtful things to me and I feel like I just have to put up with it.
What should I do?
I’m truly sorry that you are going through this.
The first thing I think to ask is: do you believe that these people who are hurting you are actually intending to hurt you?
If you truly believe that they are intending to hurt you, then maybe you should consider creating some distance from them.
However, if it’s possible that they are not actually intending to hurt you, then you need to consider a few things:
- Are you taking them at face value or are you assigning extra layers of meaning to the words that were spoken?
- Have you told them that what they are saying is hurtful or do you just assume that they should know that what they said was hurtful?
Misunderstandings happen all the time. If you are interpreting their messages in ways they didn’t intend or if you haven’t communicated that you are being hurt by things that are said, you cannot expect the other person to know that you consider their remarks hurtful. They should know that, you might might be thinking, but should they? One person’s interpretation of what is hurtful might be vastly different than another person’s interpretation of what is hurtful.
Cairn: Seek clarity
So many times we assume that we know what people mean, but do we? People are saying things based on the information they have available to them at the time. People have vastly different histories, and so are usually operating with dramatically different sets of life rules. Everybody forms (usually even subliminally) a set of rules for themselves that usually are not simply universally true. Anywhere from Never wear white after Labor Day to Never ask somebody how much something costs. From Never invite yourself to somebody’s house to Don’t wear socks with your sandals.
When somebody does or says something to you that, in your perception, breaks one of your rules, stop to consider if perhaps it doesn’t break one of their rules. Maybe you should seek some clarity and try to understand them a bit more before assigning any negative meaning at all to their having said it.
Example from my family
When we would occasionally have out-of-town visitors stay with my family when I was growing up (most often grandparents or other relatives), I remember asking my mother when our guests would be leaving and she told me she didn’t know. When I suggested that we ask them, she replied, “NO! That is incredibly rude. You should never, ever ask when your guests are leaving or they will think you are anxious for them to go!” No doubt someone innocently asked her this question over the years, and she was hurt by it, likely saying nothing, but harboring anger. You see, she overlaid some meaning onto the question that might or might not have been the case. She assumed that asking a departure date was rude because people would know you were counting down the minutes until they were gone.
But I don’t think it’s that apparent that the question means that. To my mother it was obvious, but to me there were many reasons why you would want to know when your guests would be leaving.
Today when I have guests, I always ask their arrival and departure dates so I can plan things around their visit, so we can plan events during their visit. Sometimes knowing their departure date helps me brace for the inevitable sadness I will feel when they leave, and sometimes I look forward to their departure to get back to normal life. But it depends on so much, including what is going on in my life, who is visiting, what else I have going on while they are there, etc. In fact, even when I am looking forward to them leaving, that means nothing about how I feel about them as people and means more about how I feel about having alone time again.
The point is that my perception and my mother’s perception of the same question (When are you planning to leave?) were vastly different. It’s dangerous to assume that others interpret things the same way that you do. Even when you think you know, ask.
Are you overlaying any extra meaning to what they have said?
So, let’s go back to what people are saying to you. There is a big difference between, say, the following two sentences:
I think you are fat and need to lose weight. (This, by almost any standard, would be considered hurtful.)
Why do you have so many hot dogs in the refrigerator? (This statement could be interpreted by somebody insecure about their weight as “fat shaming” or it could be just a general inquiry about hot dogs. Perhaps the person thought that hot dogs went bad or was wondering if you just threw a party or was looking for permission to also stock up on hot dogs. Who knows? I suppose it’s also possible that they are insinuating that you are fat and need to lose weight, but that is only one of a multitude of possible reasons to ask the question.)
Is it overtly mean?
So, when you say that people are making hurtful remarks to you, and they are saying the very direct, I think you are fat and you need to lose weight, then I think you need to consider who you are surrounding yourself with. Even so, though, you do always get to choose how you respond, and I encourage you to respond with integrity, honesty and maturity.
Some of your response options are listed here:
Response Option 1: You think I’m fat? Look in the mirror, buddy! You ain’t no picture of health. You get your snack and push past this person who just insulted you.
Response Option 2: You say nothing and just turn and walk away without the snack you had come to the kitchen to get. You fume silently, and return when they are out of sight to eat as much as you want. You’ll show them!
Response Option 3: You say nothing and just turn and walk away without the snack you had come to the kitchen to get. You go to the bathroom and cry for a very long time, sinking into a deep depression about how worthless you are.
Response Option 4: Ouch! That really makes me sad, and frankly angry, to hear. Why did you just say that to me? (And then see how they respond.)
It might seem obvious which response above is the right type of response, but I hope you can see how we often choose another type of response. In the moment, we either become sullen and pouty or mean and retaliatory. It takes an incredible amount of maturity and strength to admit how the comment made us feel and allow the person to respond.
Maybe it’s not as overtly mean as you thought?
So let’s say that the comment wasn’t completely rude or blunt. Maybe we have assigned some meaning to it that comes from what we are afraid of or insecure about. Maybe you’ve been wanting to lose a few pounds, and so when somebody says, Why do you have so many hot dogs in the refrigerator?, you immediately assume that they agree that you should lose a few pounds. Hot dogs aren’t considered a diet food, after all. Because you are insecure about your weight, it might seem obvious to you what this person is insinuating – and you might be right, but there is actually a better chance that you are wrong. Look at the facts of what the person actually said, rather than any other layer of judgment or meaning that your own insecurity might tempt you to assign to it. I’m not going to deny that people do make passive-aggressive comments. They do, but it’s dangerous to assume that you can decipher between what is passive-aggressive and what is just an innocent comment. No matter how well you know this person, try giving them the benefit of the doubt and then seeking clarity.
Here are a few ways you could respond:
Response Option 1: It’s none of your business – why are you so rude anyway?
Response Option 2: Oh, I don’t know. You change the subject and silently vow to get rid of the hot dogs and get back on your weight loss journey that you had abandoned a few months back.
Response Option 3: You say nothing, but think, What an asshole! I would NEVER ask somebody such a rude question. You then proceed to give them the silent treatment for the next few days. When they ask what’s wrong, you ignore them or mutter a dismissive, Nothing.
Response Option 4: Great question! We actually found that hot dogs last for such a long time that it makes more sense to buy them in bulk – they are way cheaper and I treat myself every Friday to a gourmet hot dog lunch! You assign no sinister meaning to the remark. The person asking the question might even be inspired to treat themselves to a hot dog in the near future too!
In closing
So while I am sorry that you have been hurt by what people have been saying to you, I encourage you to get honest with yourself about whether what they are saying is actually hurtful or are you overlaying some additional hurtful meaning there. Then get honest with yourself about why your feelings are hurt. Then choose whether you are going to stay open to seeing things differently or stay stuck in your hurt. Most importantly, you can then respond with integrity, maturity and honesty and see what they end up replying. You might be surprised!
