I don’t know how to afford my life.
What should I do?
We all believe what we are told when we are young. If we witness the people around us eating salads after our main course, we will accept this as normal. If our caretakers keep the peanut butter in the refrigerator, we will too. If we are scolded every time we walk in the house without shoes on, we will learn to take our shoes off in houses.
We follow our leaders.
But who are our leaders following?
Our leaders learned what they learned from their leaders and so on and so forth. It’s very common for leadership or parenting styles to passed down generation after generation. We learn by watching and then we (often inadvertently) pass it on.
And this is fine – unless it’s not.
What if your leader’s leader (or parent’s parent) was mean and domineering, and so your leader (or parent) thinks that being mean and domineering makes them powerful?
Well, you then might learn that being mean and domineering is the effective way to lead and you might then lead others that way as well.
But are the things that you’ve learned from your leaders, either overtly or just by watching them, always true?
In a word, no.
The world defaults to being one big game of telephone, where messages are passed from person to person, getting twisted and misinterpreted along the way.
So, how can we break this cycle?
We can learn to question. And because we don’t know what to question, we can just question everything.
Maybe this feels destabilizing – maybe you prefer to take some things for granted. But questioning all that you think you know, opening up your mind to a new way of thinking – that doesn’t mean that everything you’ve believed has been wrong. You are just letting in a little bit of doubt so you can determine for yourself if what you’ve accepted as truth is something you want to keep accepting as truth.
Does peanut butter need to be refrigerated? The answer is that it used to, but most of today’s peanut butter does not need to be refrigerated. Some people just kept doing what they had seen others doing. Maybe you start storing your peanut butter in the fridge.
So, you see we are making assumptions all day, every day.
One of the lessons that I learned (both overtly and by watching) was:
Use credit cards liberally because you deserve nice things.
This wasn’t something I I identified as a belief. This was a fact. I asked my dad how to afford to live and he told me to get as many credit cards and loans as I could. So I did.
If I’m being honest I don’t remember what changed this for me. I don’t remember what cracked this belief open but when I was in my 20’s, just enough light got in for me to start to question whether this truth was actually true.
This was scary as hell to question. Why? Because I was in $40,000 of credit card debt and my income was $29,000 per year.
Turning to face this was terrifying, so I immediately turned away again.
Wanting confirmation that I was okay to keep spending on credit cards I reached out to my family and asked them if I should buy myself these new shoes I was wanting – “Yes, of course! Buy whatever you want!”
I got the answer I was looking for.
And the credit card debt grew a bit more, and that feeling in the pit of my stomach gnawed at me a bit more. So I decided to turn and peek at it (the debt) again. It was ugly and it was SCARY! But this time, I asked a friend, “Is this amount of debt normal?” and they replied with a simple “No.”
Again, I got the answer I was looking for.
I already knew it. My gut knew it. I was certain that I was living wrong, but facing it now was scary because I was already so far in the hole.
Cairn: You find what you’re looking for
When you believe something, you subconsciously look for confirmation that what you already believe is true. If you believe the world is a terrible place, you will find proof that this is true. Everywhere you look, you will find proof that the world is a terrible place. However, if you believe the world is a kind and loving place, you will find proof that the world is kind and loving.
So, choose wisely what you look for.
So, I dared to let myself look at the debt. The feeling was awful. I felt like I was drowning, I had panic attacks and lost sleep over this. But this time I didn’t take that as a sign to turn away again, to hide my eyes. This time, I took that as a sign that I needed to solve this problem.
But I didn’t know where or how to start.
The first time I turned down an invitation to go to dinner, saying that I couldn’t afford it, my family protested, even insulted me. “What are you talking about? Don’t be so cheap! Of course you can afford it. Come on.”
But that little voice inside my heart told me otherwise – that part of me that was up all night sweating and panicking told me that saying no was the right thing to do. Much to my family’s dismay, I declined and I stayed home.
I took the first step of listing all of my debt in one place. Mercifully, I had just been introduced to Excel around this time, and that provided me with the perfect tool to start. I just turned and faced it head on. Did it alarm me? Yes. Did I want to turn and run away? Yes. But I made myself face it.
Did I face ongoing peer pressure to go back to my old ways? Yes, I did.
But this time I chose to listen to the part of myself that knew it couldn’t live like this anymore.
Knowing that if I jumped in full force, denying myself all treats, all vacations, all extras, I would be unable to sustain that way of life for long, I decided to take it slow. I knew I was in this for the long haul.
Just looking at the whole list of credit cards and other debts with interest rates and minimum payments was enough to start with. That was overwhelming.
I then resolved to not spend anything else on my credit cards moving forward, which was a huge lifestyle change in and of itself. It required me to persistently prioritize listening to that inner voice, that part of me that was tired of the stress. It required me to ditch the belief that I should use credit cards liberally because I deserved good things. I rewrote that belief into:
Use credit cards liberally sparingly because you deserve nice things a peaceful mind.
And the protests continued – I was accused of thinking I was better than my family, I was told that I had become one of the “cheap” ones. I was stonewalled and shunned, but my new belief was gaining traction in my mind and my body, and I longed to be debt-free.
Knowing I needed a quick win, I focused on the smallest loan or credit card that I had, reducing my other credit card payments to the minimum, and I put all my extra cash toward paying off the one with the lowest balance (which was not necessarily the one with the lowest interest rate, by the way). In other words, this was not a financially sound decision but one that I knew I needed emotionally in order to keep going. I needed a quick win to boost me up, so I went for the lowest balance.
After a few months, I had paid one off. WOOT!
Once I had done that, I then chose the next smallest debt and rolled all that I had been paying toward the now-paid-off debt into paying off this next smallest debt.
I continued in this way, making sure I always reserved enough money to treat myself to small things, eating out once per week, taking vacations, and buying some fun things, while also continuing to pay off my debt. Once I knew I had the money to fund a reasonably good life without borrowing money, I put the rest into paying off one debt at a time.
It took consistency and persistence, but after 7 years, I had paid off all of my credit card debt.
Have I gone into debt in the 25 years since this? Yes, I have, but not credit card debt. I have borrowed for cars and a house, and I am personally comfortable doing this. I have taught my daughters that school loans are ok if you are smart about them, but loans should be carefully considered and used for long-term investments. I still am learning to balance that for myself.
In the end, the most important thing that happened during this experience was that I learned that letting myself question what I thought I knew to be true might be scary and it might be hard, but it would be worth it.
So maybe the belief that you just know is wrong deserves to be faced as well. Don’t ignore what you know, pay attention to what keeps you up at night, listen to the things that give you a stomachache or a headache. And at least ask yourself the question – is what I think I believe true?
What is it for you? What belief are you struggling with?
