I keep scaring people off somehow, even when I’m trying so hard to keep them around.
What do you think?
I find it interesting that you are using the phrase “scaring people off.” It conjures up an image of you hiding around a corner and jumping out at them, “BOO!”
Now I know that’s not what you mean. I believe that I understand exactly what you mean, in fact. Let me take a shot at describing what I think you mean and then responding to that.
When you find somebody that you think (often at first glance) that you like, you want them to like you back SO BADLY that you will do anything (almost) to ensure that they do.
Cairn: Consider the idea that you might be actually more attracted to some projected trait of your own
Often when you find yourself crazy interested in a virtual stranger, you’re actually attracted to the very qualities about them that you are likely suppressing in yourself. If you tend to be drawn to people who are really funny, maybe try letting your inner funny come out. If you are drawn to outdoorsy types, maybe there’s an outdoorsy type inside you. If you’re drawn to someone because you admire their ability to be freely artistic, try accessing your own freely-expressive artist inside yourself. We are all made up of so many parts! We don’t need to surround ourselves with these people in order to have that in our lives.
Of course, this doesn’t apply across the board, but try to identify the quality you admire in another person, and recognize how you might have this characteristic yourself even if you’re afraid to let it show. Hint: qualities are adjectives, not abilities.
The exhaustion of pretending
But, back to this person (or group of people) we are trying to impress. Please be aware that this is not restricted to romantic partners only. Not at all. This tendency holds true across the board.
Often when we find people we desperately want to keep around or impress we suddenly love what they love.
If they like rom-coms, so do you! If they are ultra-conservatives who are anti-abortion, then so are you! If they are avid cyclists, you claim to be pretty good on a bike as well. If they love fossils, man, you would LOVE to go on some fossil digs. Your dream vacation! If they love hunting, you love hunting. If they love camping, you would like nothing more than to go on a 3-week river rafting trip. If they are fundamentalist Christians, you quote the Bible fervently. And so on and so forth.
Fast forward a few months or even years, when the pretending becomes tiresome. Then, when you are less than exuberant about an upcoming wild boar hunting trip (your third this year) you might start sensing some distance from them. Or perhaps you’re in the middle of a 3-week river rafting trip (that you’ve been secretly dreading for months) when you find yourself getting a little testy and complaining about everything they do. They might not react well. Or maybe you accidentally let slip a comment that conflicts with fundamentalist Christian viewpoints, and they gasp in horror! Who are you anyway?
Let’s try something different
What if you try something altogether different?
What if, instead of pretending, you just let yourself be exactly who you are?
Never! You might exclaim. Nobody would ever like me exactly as I am. That would be certain to scare them off. I need to look good, be what they want, be the ideal person. What, do you want me to be alone and friendless forever?
No, I don’t want that. But I do want you to be surrounded by people who truly love you for exactly who you are. In fact, I’d rather you have a very few people (even just one or two) who love you for exactly who you are than to have ten, twenty, thirty people who love the mirage of you – the false version of you that you’ve been pretending to be to keep them around.
Can you be the ideal person forever? Realistically, you then have to be a different ideal person for each of the people in your life! Sound exhausting? It is exhausting – it’s both exhausting and it’s impossible.
People pretending to be ideal people exude a very different energy than people who are just being themselves. And that cannot be faked.
The only solution
So, the only real answer is to just be who you actually are, and know that it is exactly the only thing you can authentically be.
I know it can be scary. But, believe it or not, it’s the only way to go.
Cairn: Beware the difference between letting yourself be authentically yourself and “letting it all hang out”
Being authentically who you are means claiming and owning your interests and beliefs, or lack thereof. Maybe you don’t have many political opinions, then own that. Allowing yourself to have preferences and opinions, though, is very different than letting yourself behave poorly.
Behaving poorly is habitual, and is likely to have been learned over time. Do I think that you should necessarily let yourself completely off the hook for being a person who is late to every event? No, I do not. I think you should learn how to be on time.
Do I think you should identify as a person that just tends to yell at people? No, I do not. After all, when you are letting yourself be authentically who you are, you will find yourself less inclined to feel the need to yell anyway. You will be listening to yourself, so won’t feel so desperate to be heard by others.
So what am I saying? It’s worth the time to try and properly understand what being yourself actually means.
I know it’s a challenging distinction at times, but it’s worth the effort to truly understand it.
How this has impacted my life
I have pretended with the best of them. I have pretended to be fundamentalist Christian (but I’m pro-choice). I have pretended to love science fiction (it bores me to death). I have pretended to love science (I’m a scientist after all). I have pretended to love the beach (I’m a mountain girl). I have pretended to be unoffended by racist jokes (they deeply offend me). This list (embarrassingly) goes on and on.
So I get it. I am guilty of pretending for the sake of connection.
These days, I fervently try, even though I still feel fear, to just simply be myself from the onset with people. It sounds easy, but it’s not. Especially for people who are so used to people-pleasing and contorting to be liked. (I’m raising my hand here.)
I don’t condemn myself for having done this for so long. I know that I truly had good intentions. I wanted connection. I wanted everyone to feel good. I didn’t want to scare anybody off. I thought I was doing the right thing.
I now realize that “scaring people off” isn’t always a bad thing – in fact, if I’m scaring people off by being myself, maybe it’s even a good thing. And I need to do it early and often.
Pretending as control
I now see that pretending to be what I thought “they” wanted me to be was a way of attempting to control them or at least attempting to control the situation. (GASP, but I’m not a controlling person, you might think! Well, think again.)
Whether you like to admit that or not, people-pleasing, or pretending to be something other than you are in an attempt to keep others around you happy, is (however inadvertently) manipulative and controlling. Because I have been that person more than I care to admit, I understand that you are likely not intending to be either manipulative or controlling. I believe you that that is not your intent, but that is what you are doing.
Let’s just be honest and call that out.
Pretending vs. compromising
I think it’s important to distinguish between pretending and compromising. These are two vastly different things. Pretending is, well, pretending. And compromising is recognizing differences and making choices knowing that truth.
For example, if you and a friend are trying to choose between a beach vacation and a mountain vacation, and your friend is a beach person and you are a mountain person, pretending looks like you insisting that you are a beach person and that you LOVE the beach and agreeing to go on a beach vacation every year.
Compromise looks like you admitting that you prefer the mountains, but that you are okay with going to the beach every other year if you can then go to the mountains for your other vacations.
Plain and simple – compromise requires an honesty that pretending inherently is missing.
The bottom line
If you are honest about who you are, what you like and what you believe with people you meet and they prickle or otherwise push you away or reject you, then let them go.
If you are honest that you are pro-choice and your new fundamentalist Christian friends denounce those that are pro-choice which includes you, trust me, it’s better to figure this out now and let them go.
If you are honest that you believe sport hunting is unethical with a new acquaintance and they inform you that they hunt wild boar several times per year just for the fun of it, and then they ghost you, be grateful.
If your new friends love science fiction, and you hate it, does that have to mean the end of the friendship? Absolutely not. But if these friends only want friends that also love science fiction? Well, let them leave.
Or maybe, if you’re honest, you will be the one making the choice to leave. Maybe they will be okay with your lack of racism, but you aren’t okay with their racism. Be honest about that NOW! It’s okay to make a choice.
Be authentic and hope that they are authentic and then you both get to choose.
So am I giving you my opinion on how to not scare people off? Yes and no. I’m more giving you my opinion on how to scare off the people you should be scaring off – through honesty.
Choosing to be friends when you are both being yourselves – well, that is magic. Hold out for that.
Trust me, there is no substitute.
