Somehow I’m a parent (or teacher or boss or manager) and I don’t know what I’m doing!
What should I do?
This is a question I myself asked many years ago when my oldest daughter was a very young toddler. And there is no obvious or simple answer. Parenting is both the thing that saved me and the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
In fact, both of these statements are true:
• I would not undo being a mom for any amount of money in the world.
• Being a mom has been the most challenging thing in my life.
I think the struggle is how we learn and I think that if we could share some of those lessons with those around us, we could clear their paths just a bit.
When I asked my mom to jot down things she had learned throughout her 35 years of having been a mother, her response to me was, “No.” I don’t know why, nor does it matter.
But I am happy to jot those things down in the hopes that they can help somebody else.
So, here we go. I wish I had known that:
1. I don’t need to fear “negative” emotions, like sadness or anger – my own, my children’s or anybody else’s.
2. My needs still matter even though I’m a mom.
3. I don’t have to listen to all the unsolicited advice I get when my kids are little (and even when they aren’t so little).
4. I don’t have to do this parenting thing perfectly – relaxing a little helps a lot.
5. Resist the urge to label my kids and push them to be something I dreamed up – be open to learning who they are.
6. Let the kids overhear me saying good things about them when they think I don’t know they’re there.
7. Setting limits and having structure, while necessary, can always be done with kindness.
8. Hypocrisy is harmful and I should hold myself to the same standards to which I hold my kids.
9. When I don’t understand my kids, it’s ok to listen to them and ask them questions. Resist the urge to assume I know what’s going on.
10. Don’t worry what friends or relatives think of me and my parenting style.
11. Motivating with kindness and allowing inevitable natural consequences to happen is more effective than motivating with punishments.
12. Encouraging teamwork creates stronger bonds than creating competition between the kids. Overtly discourage sibling rivalry by not pitting my kids against each other.
13. It’s not only okay to apologize for mistakes, it’s imperative – this teaches children to be willing and able to do the same.
14. Model compassion – offering mercy for others’ mistakes teaches children to do the same.
15. Don’t say anything about my child that I am not willing to say directly to him/her. If there’s a problem, discuss it directly with that person.
16. If something or somebody is important to my children, I will stay curious simply because my children are important to me.
17. Encourage my children to talk back – this encourages them to express themselves, share frustrations and ideas, and express themselves out in the world.
18. It’s permissible (and important) to follow my dreams and it’s permissible (and important) to encourage my children to do the same.
19. It’s good to find ways to have fun with the kids, even with chores and other responsibilities.
20. Enjoy each stage of the journey.
The list could go on and on, but this is the list I will start with.
One of my best lifelong friends who was way ahead of me on the parenting journey (she started having kids more than a decade before I did) said to me when my kids were little that all you really need to do is love your kids. In the end, that is true. If only it were that simple.
I can honestly say that if my mother had been willing to jot down a list like this for me when I asked her to teach me what she had learned over the years, I imagine that my trajectory might have been a little easier.
I would eventually figure all of these things out on my own (and so much more). Some of these lessons I mercifully learned from books very early as a parent. In fact, some of these things I learned so early that I essentially always parented that way. And for that I am grateful. And some of these lessons I have learned only in recent years. And, honestly, I’m still figuring things out today. My daughters are mostly adults (only one teenager left), and I will never stop learning.
So now I think it’s my responsibility to pass on anything I’ve learned to anybody wanting to listen, anybody finding themselves without guidance or just a little lost.
Because the truth is that these lessons aren’t just about parenting – these lessons apply to every leadership position you might find yourself in. These lessons are ubiquitous.
Let’s take a look at them through the lens of being a manager or a teacher or any type of leader:
1. I don’t need to fear “negative” emotions, like sadness or anger – my own or anybody else’s.
2. My needs still matter even though I’m a teacher/manager/boss.
3. I don’t have to listen to all the unsolicited advice I get about being a teacher/manager/boss.
4. I don’t have to do this leading thing perfectly – relaxing a little helps a lot.
5. Resist the urge to label anybody – be open to learning who they are.
6. Let my students/employees overhear me saying good things about them when they think I don’t know they’re there.
7. Setting limits and having structure, while necessary, can always be done with kindness.
8. Hypocrisy is harmful and I should hold myself to the same standards to which I hold my students/employees.
9. When I don’t understand my students/employees, it’s ok to listen to them and ask them questions. Resist the urge to assume I know what’s going on.
10. Don’t worry what friends or colleagues think of me and my teaching/leadership style.
11. Motivating with kindness and allowing inevitable natural consequences to happen is more effective than motivating with punishments.
12. Encouraging teamwork creates stronger bonds than creating competition between anybody. Overtly discourage rivalry amongst my students or employees by not pitting them against each other.
13. It’s not only okay to apologize for mistakes, it’s imperative – this teaches others to be willing and able to do the same.
14. Model compassion – offering mercy for others’ mistakes teaches others to do the same.
15. Don’t say anything about anybody that I am not willing to say directly to him/her. If there’s a problem, discuss it directly with that person.
16. If something or somebody is important to my students or employees, I will want to stay curious because my students and employees are important to me.
17. Encourage students/employees to talk back – this encourages them to express themselves, innovate and share frustrations and ideas.
18. It’s permissible (and important) to follow my dreams and it’s permissible (and important) to encourage those around me to do the same.
19. It’s good to find ways to have fun with the students/employees, even with tasks and other responsibilities.
20. Enjoy each stage of the journey.
In the end, aren’t these just good rules for interacting with anybody?
