I’m surrounded by mean people, and I don’t know how to get it to stop.
What should I do?
Mean people have bullying energy and bullying energy is exhausting and depressing and draining and sad.
Sometimes it feels like it’s everywhere. And, let’s be honest, sometimes we are seeing it where it might not actually be. Sometimes we end up reading into other people’s actions, assigning an underlying bullying energy that doesn’t exist. Mostly we do this because we fear it or maybe we ourselves are harboring some bullying energy.
And sometimes the bullying energy does exist. Sometimes the world seems to be full of it.
Surprisingly, the difference between this bullying energy existing or us perceiving it when it’s not there isn’t easy to figure out. But the only thing we can know for certain is that we don’t have to meet any bullying energy with either the same type of bullying energy or its opposite.
Meeting the bullying energy with retaliation or anger, protests and yelling is fighting fire with fire. While it can admittedly be tempting, it’s not a good idea. If you choose this path, all you are doing is spreading more bullying energy out into the world.
On the other hand, meeting the bullying energy with its opposite – with passivity, or groveling or people-pleasing or bending over backwards or playing small – well, that isn’t the answer either.
There is a middle way. In fact, there are many middle ways.
When you are bullied, overtly or covertly, when you experience bullying energy in your world, pause before reacting. Notice if you find yourself wanting to fight fire with fire or maybe you find yourself wanting to just give up and give in.
YOU HAVE SO MANY OTHER OPTIONS!
First take some deep breaths and recognize what’s going on. Acknowledge that you might be reading something into the witnessed behavior, so first try to stop yourself from doing that as much as possible. I know this can be hard.
When you are surrounded by bullying energy, (grudge-holding energy or retaliation energy), it’s hard to be certain of anything ever, especially if you are often told that it’s your fault. It’s ok, there’s time to figure that out.
Even if you are still uncertain, breathe and then focus on you.
Maybe you’re hesitant to label someone a bully because you really love them. That’s ok. You don’t have to.
Maybe you don’t want to label someone a bully because you yourself have been called a bully. That’s ok. You don’t have to.
Maybe you don’t want to label someone a bully because they have been telling you for so long that if you were just different, they wouldn’t act this way – maybe you doubt yourself, even as you struggle to understand it. That’s ok. You don’t have to.
It’s not about the label anyway. It’s about standing strong in yourself, regardless of anything else.
You don’t need to panic. You don’t need to shrink. You don’t need to puff up. You need to remind yourself that you exist and that you are ok.
In the end, you get to show up with your own energy. All you are responsible for, all you can control, is your own energy.
And we are going to work on building up your confident, empowered energy. Confident and empowered to do what, you might wonder? Nothing. Confident and empowered to simply exist in a non-judgmental, non-confrontational, non-groveling space.
Let’s look at an example:
When you walk down the hallway at school, somebody throws a wadded up piece of paper and hits you in the head, laughing when you startle. What are your options?
First of all, consider the stories you can tell yourself:
Story 1: This person is trying to make me look stupid so they can laugh at me.
Analysis: This might be true. It really depends on the person that did the throwing. If it was somebody that wasn’t a friend of yours, it’s more likely to be true. If it was a friend, though, resist the urge to just believe this story.
Story 2: I’m such a loser and I have no friends.
Analysis: This is an overly reductive and catastrophizing thought. Does this person’s action say anything about you? Think again.
Story 3: Somebody (friend or foe) threw a piece of paper at my head. And that didn’t feel good to me.
Analysis: Notice how the story is simply the facts of what happened and then how you ended up feeling.
So now let’s look at some options for how we can respond in this situation.
Option 1: You turn angrily, picking up the piece of paper and throwing it back at their head, “STOP IT – you are such a bully. I hate you!”
Analysis: This might be tempting but it is fighting fire with fire – matching this bullying behavior with bullying behavior of your own. Not recommended.
Option 2: You scurry away before they can throw anything else at you, running into the bathroom to cry. The rest of the day is spent dwelling on what a bad life you have and how you wish you didn’t even exist.
Analysis: You are allowing this person’s mean actions to tell you something about who you are. Maybe you were feeling alright before this happened, but now you are intensely self-judgmental. You are giving what you think their opinion of you is more weight than what you know about yourself.
Option 3: You turn toward the person doing the throwing, perhaps even picking up the paper, and handing it back to them, and say calmly, “I didn’t like that – please don’t do that again.” You then proceed down the hallway, stopping to talk to somebody here and there. You didn’t like the feeling that left you with, but you let it say more about the person doing the throwing than about you.
Analysis: This takes a strong sense of self and confidence. It requires that you not take this person’s actions as anything but something representative of them. It doesn’t give their perceived opinion of you more weight than your own perceived opinion of yourself.
In every single situation where we encounter bullying energy, which is characterized by behavior with an edge of meanness, antagonism, judgment or exclusion, we have a choice. We can always make the choice to act with integrity. We always get to choose. We don’t have to choose to take on this same bullying energy. And we don’t have to choose to be overcome by it. We can choose to just be who we are, and bring a new confident energy to the situation.
No, this likely won’t change the behavior of the bully. And that is not our job – it is not our job to change anybody’s behavior. All we can do is act with our own integrity and let others do what they will do.
So, if you feel yourself surrounded by bullies, take a moment, ensure that you aren’t reading more into a situation than you should, and radically accept the situation that you are in. Then take a deep breath and stand in your confidence.
Don’t give the bullies more power, more weight or more credibility.
In short, don’t put those that exude bully energy on a pedestal.
You can be confident regardless of them.
Take them off the pedestal – you are all equals.
You are ok. Everything will be ok.
